Bob Good's Con Con Pitch
Bob Good, putting the CON in Conservative, Conscience, Conference and Congressman! Opinion, a wee bit of satire.
Bob Good is in a panic. He bet the farm on the DeSantis camp, and it’s gone up like a dumpster fire. Bob has backstabbed so many people in politics he is now near the bottom of the barrel in fundraising and can’t go to either the Trump camp or the McCarthy ATM as he did to get elected. He’s proverbally painted himself into a corner.
So what does the CONcupiscent CONsultant class come up with? They CONstruct a glossy mailer with the same old CONtrived talking points. Bob’s gonna do this, Bob’s gotta plan, and Bob’s stands for this and against that! Yawn.
Bob says he is the Conservative Conscience of the Republican Conference! What a yarn. The Republican Conference doesn’t know or care who Bob is. This is a no-brainer, as Bob cannot get cosponsors or walk his bills through the process! If he were the conscience of the conference, they’d all be lined up to sign on to Bob! Where are they? What you can take away from this mailer is perhaps a bit Freudian- CON-gressman, CON-servative, CON-science, CON-ference - Bob cons four times on the cover. Bob is CONning us.
The one notable thing about Bob’s cons is they always happen tomorrow. He’s like Wimpy in the old Popeye cartoons- He will gladly take your vote today and cheerlead talking points on Tuesday. His flier is void of accomplishments! He talks, introduces, cheer-leads, believes, and stands but never does.
CON-servative:
He is a Con-servative. He cons his way into office, but the only one who served is Bob, and the only bill associated with his time in office is the $174,000.00 tab to us taxpayers. He has not turned back a single alien across the border; he hasn’t limited government; he hasn’t bolstered the 2nd Amendment; he hasn’t stopped the Biden Administration; he hasn’t balanced a budget; he hasn’t protected religious institutions. To do these things, a congressman has to be a team player, not a backstabber. To do these things, a congressman must make bills, work with people of differing viewpoints, make deals- some give and take, and enact the bill. If Bob had the skill set, Bob would have bills he could boast of- his flier is empty on what he has done because he hasn’t done anything. That’s why the flier is all promises of what he’s gonna do- just like he loudly promised back in May of 2022 at Hamden Sydney at the nominating convention.
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CON-science:
Bob relies on Con Science- that is, he hires political consultants to tell him what people will buy, and then they compose mailers to market to those assumptions. In his case, he uses a team that aptly calls themselves Bonnie and Clyde. I let you draw your conclusion on the science of con here. Bob’s only straw is the caucus chairmanship, whose action in vacating McCarthy’s speakership may cost the CON-ference the majority. These boobs never considered the consequences of McCarthy picking up his toys and leaving the sandbox, and leaving the conference with a razor-thin majority. They didn’t seem to consider changing districts either. Elise Stefanik is running in a new district, and the consequences of losing that race could cost the majority. Without McCarthy and Stefanik, Bob’s Big Boy chairmanship serves up a minority CONference.
CON-ference:
The inference in the word conference is that Bob is CONvivial, but he is not. He is isolated, and no one takes him seriously. Sources describe other Republican members as seeing Bob as dull-witted. He has yet to get a single bill passed. That is the tail pinned on this donkey that is self-evident.
He “introduces,” but he can’t get other congressmen and women to sign on; he doesn’t have the social skills to work with people. His bills all die. We are paying a loser $174,000.00, and all we get are some slick postcards we paid some political pimps to CONjure up based on general polling. A finger in the wind.
We cannot afford this kind of return on our investment in representation in this present time. We can buy a lot of cheerleader costumes and hire some models for $174,000.00 a year. At least they’d be entertaining.
Bob invokes Trump!
Bob backstabbed Donald Trump with as much emphasis as he could CONjure; he waited until the day DJT was indicted and made his play. Now Bob is vulnerable, like all his bills; his plans to ride Ron DeSantis’ elevator boots have all deflated, and he has no one to turn to. The Trump campaign is going after Bob soon enough. Bob will learn the cost of making powerful political enemies in DC and alienating many of his constituents in the 5th District.
Bob challenged people to show him criticizing Trump, and someone took him up on it and exposed Bob as a two-faced, below-average pol who easily fell prey to a CNN reporter’s gotcha. Pathetic.
Bob is shown talking to servicemen- remember when Bob called Navy SEAL John McGuire a “coward?” CONtemptuous!
Bob hasn’t secured, balanced, or protected a thing since he ‘vacated’ Denver Riggleman. Bob likes to vacate others because they don’t perform. Bob doesn’t perform, and now it’s his turn to get vacated. We don’t need someone just ‘standing’ for something; we all stand for something already and need someone who can make what we all stand for happen. Clearly, that person is not Bob.
Five & Dime VA/HCC is an opinion blog. I employ satire, commentary, and fact to entertain and convey my opinions on religious, cultural, and political issues. I expect you to know the difference.
Backstabbin' Bob Serves Up Endorsement Nothing Burger!
Backstabbin’ Bob has served up quite a menu- maybe a little redundant like Bubba’s from Forrest Gump; rather than shrimp, he serves up backstabbings: Some Trump backstabbing, McCarthy backstabbin’, backstabbin’ Speaker Johnson, and a poke in Ron DeSantis